**Below are some interviews done with various individuals on the issues around shame and puberty.
Female Social Worker
1. Concerns expressed are the same for boys and girls: mostly pertaining to shame towards families; she works a lot with kids with alcohol/drugs issues - these kids feel remorse, and worry about how to repair the relationship with their parents; what they have to do to make-up for the damage they did.
2. Actually, shame and guilt are what often leads these kids to alcohol/drug abuse...generally, males have a higher rate of abuse than females.
3. Shame is caused by either trying to live up to parents' and society's expectations, but also by being too restricted by parents. The general process of individualizing can cause for feelings of shame too.
4. For both male and female pubescent children: parents need to communicate, build a strong relationship with their son/daughter, be supportive, get educated, and do their own therapy/work!
5. Her story is about a male pubescent client, who was struggling with his sexual identity; he was trying to find out whether he was gay or bi-sexual. He reported being ridiculed by his peers. His parents, however, were supportive, apart from the fact that they apparently would have supported him being gay, but not bi-sexual. Since the parents could label him being gay, but didn't understand bi-sexuality, they opposed to him being bi-sexual.
Male (11-year-old) Child Interview
Q What is puberty?
A Puberty is growing up
Q How do you feel about your body changes?
A Fine; I don’t mind that my body is changing
Q Who would you talk to if you had questions or concerns about puberty?
A My mom
Q Would you trust that information – where it is coming from?
A Yes
Q How do you feel you are perceived at school? (how other students “see” you)
A As a friend
14 year old female
What is puberty?
Like a change from adolescent.
What changes have you seen with your body?
The development of boobies, change of voice, the outside look for your body & menstral cycle.
Are other kids talking about it?
Yes
What are other kids talking about?
Mostly about being on their periods.
Who do u talk to about puberty?
Mom
Do you trust that information?
Yes
11 year old female
What is puberty?
Like when you start your menstral cycle and get zits on my face.
What changes have you seen with your body?
Lots of zits, nothing else.
Are other kids talking about it?
Yes
What are other kids talking about?
My friends come to me for advice since I was the first one to start my cycle (about a year ago). They ask me about methods to stop cramps and I tell them hot chocolate or warm tea. They also ask me about the best pads to use.
Who do u talk to about puberty?
Mom
Do you trust that information?
Yes
Kevin, Washington Heights, NYC 4th grade teacher
Q:Do you feel like shame plays a role in puberty? If so, why and how?
A:Absolutely! Here’s an example: My first year teaching, I led an afternoon session about puberty with the boys of the 5th grade. I was told to teach solely about the ways in which, and the reasons why their bodies would change, not sexual relations. I remember a few sex-related questions, which I had to promptly deflect, commanding, "You will have to speak to an adult." Their questions about puberty surprisingly centered on penis size.
A few boys were afraid that getting hit in that area might stunt the growth of their penises. One question stood out primarily. A Dominican-American boy, who would be considered an English Language Learner, asked, "When will we start throwing milk?" I was momentarily confused. Then, I remembered that this population of children often applies the verb, "throw," to many actions. For example, "Can you throw a picture of me and my mom?" or "Eww, he threw a fart!" This made the "milk" reference easier to understand, as then I realized he was referring to semen.
I have found that the girls in my school do not approach male teachers with questions or concerns regarding puberty. They instead seek out female teachers. This may seem obvious, but I was rather surprised when one 5th grader often used the rationale, "It's a girl problem," when convincing me that she needed to see the nurse.
Q:In your experience working with children in a school setting, what are some of their most common concerns, fears, and questions about puberty?
A: For the past two years I have taught 4th graders. At this mostly prepubescent age, I have seen boys ashamed of their body odor. These children come from disadvantaged families. Some wear the same clothing for more than one day. Many do not live with a father at home. Perhaps they do not receive the necessary education about bodily changes. I have seen girls nervous to take part in certain gym class activities. Perhaps this is due to feeling uncomfortable with their changing bodies in an active state in front of others.
Q: How can parents help children become more resilient during this stage in development?
A: Foster a sense of comfort at home by asking questions from an early age. That way, later in adolescence, when puberty hits, the boy will hopefully feel less shame when he has questions. He could feel more comfortable with an open dialogue of this kind. If a male father figure is not present in the home, I do think mothers should locate a male role model who could fill that void.
As a former adolescent myself, I find it hard to believe that a boy could feel shameless approaching his mother with questions or concerns about puberty. I think that daughters have more puberty-related issues to deal with than boys do, so an outlet at home is crucial. The worst source of information is a peer who knows just as little as she or he does!
Q:Please share a story that illustrates feelings of shame surrounding puberty.
A: This is unfortunately a personal story. 6th grade. When gym class was over, I started noticing some boys using spray deodorant. I didn't want to be left out of the deodorant craze, and I was worried that the others would think I wasn't as mature, so I took care of the situation as quickly as I could.
In the morning before school a few days later, I grabbed the only deodorant available in my house at the time - my mother's Secret Deodorant, "Strong enough for a man, but PH balanced for a woman." That's right. Without cable at home, I had seen few commercials. The feminine nature of this deodorant was lost on me. Luckily all the other boys knew the "Secret" and let me have it. I was royally ashamed.
JoAnna, 3rd grade teacher, Harlem, NYC
Q:Do you feel like shame plays a role in puberty? If so, why and how?
A:Definitely. For boys, I find they have a lot of shame around being short/small, being non-athletic. For the girls I’ve taught, shame is about weight, and body odor: be it from menstruation, or from just being “smelly”, and, while they’ve never articulated it to me explicitly, several of my African girls seem to feel shame surrounding their ethnicity.
Where do you think these feelings of shame come from?
Bullying. Schools aren’t preaching a message of “acceptance” as rigorously as they need to be. We need to teach our children to be tolerant, and accepting of others. Bullies “bully” because they don’t understand that “different is good”.
I am constantly preaching messages of tolerance and acceptance to my children be it through literature we read in September, our small projects we do throughout the year. I just don’t know if this is going on enough in all schools, and in all homes. Teaching tolerance, in my opinion, should really be mandated like other curricula are.
Q:How can parents help children become more resilient during this stage in development?
A:If we are talking about shame associated with certain “fixable” problems, then parents can certainly address the specific issue causing shame. For example, for boys, if there is shame surrounding body odor, mom/dad can buy the child some deodorant and educate them on how to properly clean themselves. For girls, if they are feeling shame about having their periods, mom/dad can talk to them about how it’s totally normal for a girl, and mom/dad can show them how to use a pad or a tampon properly.
I think a lot of times though there is not a gender specific or easy fix. In many cases the child feels shame about certain unchangeable elements of who they are, be it race, ethnicity, height, religion. In these situations, it is a parent’s duty to help them overcome this shame by empowering them to embrace their identity.
While yes, sticks and stones break bones, AND names can really hurt, children need to hear the message over and over again at home that they are unique, beautiful inside and out, and loveable. If they hear the message at home enough, it might help them to believe it even if they get bullied at school.
Q:Please share a story that illustrates feelings of shame surrounding puberty.
A:In September of my first month ever teaching, one of my third graders, a pretty little girl with long braids, came to me pointing to her inner thigh. She told me he was bleeding, so I sent her to the nurse immediately, worried that she had begun menstruating in class. The nurse called and confirmed that this was the case, and she was as shocked as I was to hear of a third grader getting her period.
The child was sent home, and did not return to school for two days.
Upon her return, I was shocked to see that her beautiful braids had been shaved off. Left in their place were small, short, and frankly, unattractive knobs of hair. I asked the little girl what happened to her braids, and she told me her father cut them off.
A few hours later the girl called me over to her desk, almost in tears, to tell me that the boy next to hear touched her. I asked the boy what he did to her, and he said “I only took a pencil from her!”. The little girl replied “Yes, but you touched me. And my father said no boys are allowed to touch me now”. I told the little boy he should never take things out of anyone’s hands, and walked away stunned by what I had heard.
Clearly, having heard that she started her period, the father, her primary caretaker, cut off her hair and told her that she is no longer allowed to touch boys, or be touched by boys. I can’t think of a more shameful way of transitioning into womanhood, however young she was when it happened. Her long hair was a symbol of her femininity, and her father stripped her of it. And while yes, biologically, getting your period does mean you can now give birth to a child, by no means should she go the rest of her life avoiding any and all contact with boys.
Clearly her father did not explain this situation to her well. Granted it may be hard for a father to have these types of conversations, but I know that he had female relatives around to help him, including the girl’s mother. I can only imagine the amount of shame she feels surrounding her period and perhaps her own sexual identity.
Interview with Dr. Brene Brown
As I'm sure you know, we're a group of Social Work students at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work who are currently taking Dr. Brene Brown's Shame, Empathy and Resilience course. This class project is aimed at creating a blog- a safe space online to educate, inform and increase empathy around the issue of shame and puberty for parents, teachers and other significant adults in children's lives.
Dr. Brene Brown’s course on Shame, Empathy and Resilience is focuses on the issue of shame and the importance of developing shame resilience. As an expert in the field of pediatrics, we'd like to know about your experiences working with pubescent boys and girls. Specifically, we are interested in gaining a better understanding of what pubescent boys and girls go through and the possible shame that they endure during this stage of development.
As students, we are interested in understanding the role that shame plays in puberty. We describe shame as feeling rejected, excluded, less-than and inadequate. Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. (Brown, 2006)
1. Do you feel like shame plays a role in puberty? If so, why and how?
I don’t think puberty is inherently shaming; however, our reluctance to talk openly about our bodies and sexuality can make these normal changes feel shameful.
2. In your experience with children as a mother, what are some of their most common concerns, fears, and questions about puberty?
I’m a mother and a shame researcher, so my experiences are filtered through both of these roles. I think the most common concern, fear, and question is “Is this normal?” “Am I normal?” For children and adults, “being normal” is tied to feeling accepted and belonging.
3. As a mother, how do you respond to these types of concerns, fears, and questions?
Normalize. Normalize. Normalize. Then, educate, explain, and share your own experiences. This is why silence around puberty can be shaming. Children don’t know what’s happening and they don’t know if it’s supposed to be happening. I think good information is critical.Research shows that parenting has a significant impact on a child's experience of both shame and shame resilience.
Dr. Brown’s shame resilience theory proposes that we can develop healthy, constructive ways to deal with shame, including recognizing and naming what shames us and our triggers, reality-checking myths and stereotypes, sharing our stories, and experiencing empathy.
4. In your experiences, how do parents (knowingly and unknowingly) contribute to shame around puberty?
When we don’t talk openly to our children, it sends the message that “bodies are off limits.” Not talking is not neutral. Silence is its own powerful message. If parents communicate disgust or disdain for their own bodies – that shame is often passed down. There is also a lot of blatant shaming, teasing, and name calling about appearance and “being cool.” Parents sometimes do this in reaction to their own discomfort.
5. How can parents help children become more resilient during this stage in development?
Again, I think it’s about normalizing, educating and explaining. I think it’s also very important to share our imperfections and awkwardness with our children. It offers them perspective and fosters connection. We’ve all been there.
STEVE ALLEY MD
FANNIN PEDIATRICS
HOUSTON, TEXAS
1. Do you feel like shame plays a role in puberty? If so, why and how?
It really depends on the family, their level of communication, and their level of openness about body issues and sexuality.
2. In your experience working with children in a medical setting, what are some of their most common concerns, fears, and questions about puberty?
I rarely have patients ask me about puberty (although I'm sure they have questions). It's really my job to probe and ask questions to get a sense of what's going on in their lives and in their families. My goal is to foster a conversations that continue after children and parents leave my office. The biggest piece for me is giving good information and facilitating communication.
3. As a pediatrician, how do you respond to these types of concerns, fears, and questions?
Again, my role is to probe, give good information and foster communication. I want to bring up and normalize issues that children can continue to discuss with their parent(s).
--Research shows that parenting has a significant impact on a child's experience of both shame and shame resilience. Dr. Brown’s shame resilience theory proposes that we can develop healthy, constructive ways to deal with shame, including recognizing and naming what shames us and our triggers, reality-checking myths and stereotypes, sharing our stories, and experiencing empathy.
4. In your experiences, how do parents (knowingly and unknowingly) contribute to shame around puberty?
Unknowingly, parents send the message that body issues and sexuality are off-limits. This automatically puts a negative value judgment on this process. Unfortunately, parents still focus too much on their daughters appearance and weight. Health and nutrition are very important, but outward appearance should never be the goal. This still happens a lot. With boys, I have parents "whispering" behind their sons' backs, "He's too little, will he grow?" Kids pick up on these comments and it can be very shaming.
5. How can parents help children become more resilient during this stage in development?
Keep the communication open and honest, be a safe place to ask questions, and normalize this awkward period by sharing some of your own "growing pain" experiences.
